I sent this text to my sister.

A month after our final vacation together, he all of a sudden changed it from being a “great time”, to saying it was awful. Back then, I thought it was a pretty perfect trip. Upon deeper reflection, there were a lot of things wrong with how he treated me, but in comparison to other travels, we only had 72 instances of his bullshit compared to 272.

This vacation was “awful” because I was too quiet on the drive up. And then, I had the audacity to sleep on our return home which took place in the middle of the night. It proved to him I was not enjoying our time together and did not have fun. I never seem to be having fun. Always too quiet.

I took his attack to heart. I reached out to my sister to better understand what is wrong with me and how being quiet is negatively perceived by others so I could I fix it.

“This morning as I lay in bed, I thought about how silent it was. It suddenly reminded me of how things used to be. What my favorite part of being with you was. What I haven’t felt in a while as I have let this relationship warp and decay. I miss the time standing still, when we would lie together and time would literally feel like it stopped. I could feel the gears in the clock slowing and then just ceasing movement. Paused time. I should have sat down a long time ago and wrote my thoughts out better. From the first day I met you I felt we were a team. We could do anything. Build anything. Make anything. Create anything. Whatever our whimsy dictated. I would give anything to get back to that feeling. We were a respite from the rest of the world. That wasn’t fake, imagined, or manipulated. Please don’t erase those times from your memory.”

Post break-up. Excerpt from a 12-page letter he wrote when I stopped all communication (numbers, email, social media all blocked; found letter in my mailbox with no postage)

In February 2014, I set up my Instagram account. He was one of my original followers. I didn’t know him, but we shared some mutual friends and acquaintances. I believe that’s how he found me, through our friend “N”. I’ve noticed he follows a lot of girls who are connected to other people – people he does know and mostly people he doesn’t know. He was the type to always like my posts and many times leave a comment.

Several months later I attended a community festival held in the alleys of the city with a friend. While waiting in line for a beer, I noticed him. He saw me and we gave a knowing nod. He and his dog came over to formally introduce himself as this was the first time we met in real life. He flagged “the ex” to come over to meet me as well. We made some brief chit chat and went our separate ways.

The following weekend I was attending a concert with our friend “N”. He picked me up saying we were stopping at his friend’s house to cookout before the show as there were several of us going as a group. We entered the townhouse through the kitchen and there HE was plating food. I was in his house and didn’t even know he was part of the group for the night.

He was always “around” after that night, but we didn’t start dating until two years later. Once we were involved, he stopped liking my social media posts, but continued engaging with other girls. It was weird. It was stupid. It was another mind fuck.

After I ended the relationship with the explanation he was abusive, he researched ‘30 Common Symptoms of Abuse’. He listed them out in a letter and provided commentary for each as they relate to our relationship.

“6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

I think when I don’t feel I am being listened to or take seriously, I repeat myself and this comes across as beating a dead horse. In general however, I have a tremendous respect for the way you handle situations and solve problems. You are very self-reliant and that is another aspect of your personality I aspire to be more like.”

He took me to see Nick Cave. Throughout the day, I’d receive texts exclaiming how much fun we were going to have, how excited he was for the show, how excited he was to see me. I was relieved he was in such high spirits for once. In turn, I was in a great mood and looking forward to our date.

As with most times seeing him, I spent hours making sure I looked my most perfect. Manicure, pedicure, groomed and tan, hair perfectly styled, perfectly soft dark smoky eye with a matte lip, the right perfume, the right accessories, and the perfect plunging black lace dress with knee-high boots. I exhausted myself to always be nothing short of perfect for him. Rarely did I feel he would accept the human side of me.

He picked me up on time, but seemed stressed. I asked if everything was okay. He dropped his phone and shattered its screen earlier. He said several of his friends were trying to reach him as they were attending the show as well. I suggested we meet them for a drink since we had time. Or find them since it was general admission. He could use my phone. He preferred to have a night for just us. Once in the venue, we got drinks and found our spot on the main floor. He still seemed on edge, frequently looking around. I kept asking if everything was okay because he didn’t seem okay. I suggested again we locate his friends.

He snapped. He went on a rant about not wanting drama. He didn’t want it getting back to “the ex” he was on a date. I didn’t understand his logic because they had been broken up for over a year. I quietly told him how unhappy it made me he was putting her feelings before mine. But as with other times, he got loud and made a scene. We were in a crowd without much room and everyone near us must have witnessed the argument. He explained that out of everyone in the world, he chose to bring me to the concert. He chooses me. No one else. But the next day was “the ex’s” co-ed/friend baby shower and he didn’t want it upsetting her because she’s had a difficult pregnancy. His friends who were at the concert are also friends with “the ex”. I was furious. I told him I did not give a fuck about her feelings. Fuck her. I asked him if he was the father because I could not comprehend why he would not only be attending, but how could he be invited if it was known he cheated on her. My body language screamed, do not touch me, but he made attempts to hug me from behind. Wrapping his arms around me and rubbing my legs and ass. Trying to get me to kiss him. I was repulsed. I remained frozen. The show was amazing, but I left to get myself another drink and spent part of it alone in the lobby. He never came to look for me or use his jacked phone to reach me.

Things settled, but I was still upset. I was so incredibly hurt. He dropped me off at home where I said I cannot continue to be in the relationship if he is always putting her before me, always hiding me like a dirty secret. He started yelling. I yelled back and kicked him out of my house. I went upstairs where a few minutes later he was back at my front door. Knocking and asking to talk. I opened the door where he got loud again. I told him to leave or I was calling the cops. He left.

Later I would pay for that comment when he turned the tables – threatening to call the cops on me when I was at his home, questioning him on things that didn’t make sense.

He was insulted I would make such a threat. He was outraged by how horribly I treated him. He was in such a great mood and looking forward to a nice evening, but I ruined yet another date. I was also berated for my “lack of empathy” towards a woman, his “good friend” [technically she was his ex-girlfriend], facing a risky pregnancy.

He would make me feel as if I was complicating his life or was the creator of our toxic relationship. I’ve never been one to stir up drama, however, he’d frequently tell me I was nothing but drama. He’d go on and on about all the “shitty” things I did to him.

I’d ask him why he wants to keep me around if I’m such a terrible person. I’d tell him to break-up with me. He never did. He’d always take things just to the edge of him ending our relationship. Just right there. Just to keep me desperate. Just to keep me to playing his game.

After I ended the relationship with the explanation he was abusive, he researched ‘30 Common Symptoms of Abuse’. He listed them out in a letter and provided commentary for each as they relate to our relationship

“5. They try to control you and treat you like a child. 

I believe in equal partnership. I do not want to appear condescending or patronizing towards you. I look up to you and respect you tremendously. There are a few things more attractive than a smart, put together woman, which you certainly are. I don’t think I try to control you really at all. I learned a long time ago you are your own boss, but going back to the teasing or sarcastic, I am sure that I come across as condescending or a jerk sometimes. Sometimes I have been the one to act childishly. I can both do a better job on that.”

Typical response when I’d confront him on how his attacks and triangulations made me feel.

A few years ago, my employer was the AOR for a major racing event. I had the pleasure of working with full access. Although it was years before we were dating, he took note from social media posts documenting my exciting behind-the-scenes experience.

He too, attended that year as a first time spectator and made sure I noticed he was in attendance through his social media updates and by engaging me through comments on my photos.

Now, every year he rallies his crew for “Bro Day” to attend the race and adopted it as if it was his own thing. I’ve only experienced this race the one time I worked the event. I have so many cherished memories from that weekend, but racing isn’t in my realm of interests. He’s had this weird hang up about it since that year I worked it. He’d always say how “coo” it was. Not cool, but coo.